A WITTE LOOK AT RACHEL PROFILING

I thought this day would never come. Hallie and Annie are getting their asses shipped off to jail. 

Maybe she will meet her long-lost English twin in jail (kind of like the isolation cabin), they can fence (I heard there’s an excellent array of activities for convicts at Lynwood jail), and then they can pull a switcharoo and get Michael and Dina Lohan back together (that would be a dream come true). 

Seriously, it would bring it full circle. They say, life imitates art…

But really Lohan, who are you? You were my idol. Do you know how many times I watched Georgia Rule? Let’s say counting on my fingers and toes would leave me with times to count still. You took seductive pictures with a knife, and that obviously prompted me to do the same. You were a teenage alcoholic, so I became one too. Do you know what I’m asking for for my birthday? A SCRAM bracelet. You made me realize that having naturally orange skin was acceptable and wasn’t so much a deformity, as it was a way of life. When I got my middle nail airbrushed to say “FUCK U”, I really felt a connection, like we were on the same wavelength. 

But jail? That’s taking it a step too far Linds. I’m with you on everything else. I lost weight from “eating right and exercising”, and snorting cocaine, too. I went to rehab for “exhaustion” too. I won a Razzie for I Know Who Killed Me too. But jail. I won’t be joining you there. I have a name to make for myself.  A reputation to uphold. I think for myself, and carefully monitor the decisions I make, as they may affect me later in life.

Who am I kidding? If Lindsay Lohan did it, so will I. Lesbianism is so in right now. You make crazy chic and jail cool.

See you in 90 days, or if I know anything about serving time in jail, 25 days.

Let’s raise our cocktails of vodka and Vicodin to a rebel after my own heart, a lady who doesn’t take the law seriously, my firecrotch mama: Lindsay Lohan.

G